An Oscar Live Blog for All of the Astronauts Without a Television Set!

Hello John Glenn and Friends. Though you may not have a television signal in inner orbit, your 88k internet modem connection should allow you to read the Holllllleeeeeeewooooooood Newz live blog of the Oscar Ceremony, held at the Kodiak theater. The hope is that you, and hopefully many internet readers, can experience the excitement of award giving through the magic of text and a few choice images. Thanks, and may you return home to to earth safely!

6:45 Actor Annie Hathawade ordered a pepperoni pizzette into the green room. Hope she doesn't gain weight!

6:46 Billionaire Steve Jobs mentioned a new Apple Eye-Pad on the red carpet. Grab it while it's hot, teens!

8:19 Actor Lexie Kardashian showed off her famous assets in a red dress while presenting the Number One Actress Award to Actor Sandra Bullox. Kudos to a delightful Actor who staged a break out performance.

5:45 Actor Billy Crystals included in a salute to Actor Ricardo Montalban. Yes! Finally giving the fans what they are looking for!


7:12 Actor David Boreanaz presenting the Number One Actor Award to Jennifer Aniston. Deserved after a difficult breakup. Let's hope that Aniston feels better about losing Actor James Brolin (romantically.)

6:17 Actor Millionairesse LeGresse, upon winning the Award for best Actor in a Foreign Film, thanked her actuarial inspiration, Actor Julie Roberts. Is everyone in TV land in agreement that Movie "Erin Brokovich" remains the best Film to hook newbies into the Celebrity business?

8:25 Hosts James DiFranco and Ang Hathalee swapped novelty t-shirts during a hurricane of musical montage. Hearts aflutter to the beat of the booming bass drum. Did we detect nipple pokies coming from both stars? (Yes!)

9:11 Who can stop the powerhouse duo of Actor Michael Richardson and Actor Dave Crosby? A rendition of "It's Not the Blues, It's Just Fancy Music" was exactly what was needed to bring the house down.


7:60 Actor Titus Welliver's presentation of the Boston Achievers Award to Actor Rafe Fines was a truly moving moment, matched only by a montage dedication to recently departed Actor Steve Seagal.

4:31 Actor Michelle Douglas and his Wife, Actor Angelinie Jolie were spotted dropping an envelope of white powder into their "sobriety approved" cocktails of tonic water and club soda.

6:55 A reading of lines written by Screenwriter William Shakespeared, as read by Singer Justin Timberlakes, showed that the former New Kid on the Block has the talent needed to carry his own film, preferably one about asteroids or maybe martian invasions.


9:11 Actor Toni Braxton's rendition of leading song, "Built to Spilt," from film "Toy Stories Three," carried the emotional weight of the songstresses recent release from a rehabilitation center. Her musical stylings injected a whole new variety of adult emotion into what was previously an Oscar Nominated Song written mostly for Children.

7:17 Presenters James Frankel and Anne Chumsky presented the annual Celebrity McCauley Culkin Award for Excellence in Child Acting to Actor Natalie Portman for her role in Star Wars.

9:11 Sources close to Actor Jack Nickelson say that the star had ingested so much ecstasy he couldn't stop groping seatmate Actor Courtney Cocks.


6:14 Actor Bruce Vilanch recited a joke about popcorn to a delighted meeting room filled with the Agents of top Holleewood writers.

9:16 Top Actor Martin Sheen spread a deck of cards face down across a folding table, and asked Best Supporting Actor Nominee Henry Rollins to pick up an ace, with a $40 incentive for selecting correctly.

9:11 Presenters James Franco-Armenian and Suzanne Summers stood atop a human pyramid to announce the award for Best Performance By A Trained Actor. The Award was ultimately given to Actor Benicio Del Taco for his role in Director Peter Fleming's "The King's Pitch." This film, in the opinion of this blog, was a top pick from 2008.

7:59 The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Signages delivered a Special Commendation, by way of Actor Bryce Houston Howard, to Actor William Hertz, for his excellent ability to portray a person of color in "Build Me a Taller House," a film that was selected as a finalist in the category of Best Cross-Generational Picture of the Year.

8:01 Actor Doctor Pepper was honored for his trailblazing role in America's first movie with an hilarious musical montage featuring clips from his later, 1970's roles as a comedy Actor.

9:11 Presenters Jay Frank-o and Anne Hammaway spilled a green kale and raspberry smoothie on the head of recent stroke victim Actor Tom Cruise. A troubling affair for the former Sociologist!


9:43 Actor Brukes Willis was spotted interviewing Actor Tori Spelling for his blog about Celebrity Opinions. Can't wait to hear what she has to say.

8:39 Finally, after much waiting, the Academy announced the most anticipated Award, Best Movie Man and Woman Film of the Year. Special Guest Presenters, Actor Keanu Reeve and Actor Hilary Swunk really wrenched serious emotion out of the moment, as Actors often do, and presented the Award to a grateful Actor Martin Scorceseses, helmer of classics "Toxic Driver" and "The Avian Flu." Martin's recent film, "Candles in the Night," from this, a recent year, starring Actors Bradd Pits, Actor Brad Dourif, and Actor Julia Styles, was correctly awarded the Top Honor of the night. After the acceptance speech, several celebrities went home to their Wives, but some of them went to parties!

Big Up To the Stars of Holleeeeeewoooooood!

We may have lost the N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S Big, but we still have plenty of other celebrities filling up movies, television shows, music albums and tell-alls. Here is some news about a few of them!

First Item! Actor Tom Sizemore recently found a wallet on the street. After finding the owner's name on a piece of identification, and realizing that there were too many Sandra DeLuths in the phone book to locate the correct one, he turned it over to the policemen.

Item B! Good luck recently for Actor Jennifer Anuston. The Actress won fifteen dollars on a California Lotto Price Is Right Scratcher Ticket.

Item 3! Actor Titus Welliver recently made money on an investment in Fila stock. The company's recent upswing in tennis shoe sales equalled boffo dollars for the celebrity actor.

Recently Announced!

Hangover 6 Starring Actor Barry Pepper and Actor Jean Luc Picard

Get Caught in the LaBrea Star Pits

They are great place to see the dinosauric talents that Hollleeeeeeeewoooooood has to offer!

First Item! Actor Tom Cruise was spotted buying toner for his office's Xerox machine at a local Staples Office Store.

Item B! Actor Tracey Ullman recently announced that she was divorcing her husband, saying that while their differences were reconcilable, neither of them "felt like putting in the effort."

Item 3! Sources close to Actor Dominic West say that the superstar frequently cuts the crusts off of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that he makes for himself on Sunday afternoons.

(Only Built 4) Celebrity Links

Hollleeeeewooooood Newz is keeping an eye on the ball of gossip, so that you don't have to!

Item #1! Actor Warren Beatty was recently spotted demonstrating his skateboarding proficiency to a group of fourteen year olds standing in an empty pool in Santa Monica.

Item B! Actor Kristen Dunston reportedly had an allergic reaction to a seafood dish served at an identified restaurant in Beverly Hills. The dish, which contained cuttlefish ink, sea urchin, and, problematically, scallops, cost more than two hundred dollars.

Last Item! Actor Titus Welliver found a note from a stranger in the pocket of a pair of pants he was trying on at a Broadway Department Store. According to the note, its author wanted to apologize for buying the pants, wearing them to a formal event, and returning them the next day. Welliver turned the note over to a nearby salesperson and did not end up buying the pants.

Today's News Brought to You By the Enduring Talent of Celebrities!

Because without them and their many talents and charms, where would this nation be? (Probably Russia.)

Item A! Actor Anthony Hopskin recently picked at a scab that his doctor explicitly told him not to pick at. The scab is reportedly on his arm, and it is very large. The Actor's doctor, Henry Williamson, was unavailable for comment.

Middle Item! Actor Carrie Russell was spotted rifling through a folder of coupons at a Lucky grocery store in Encino. The Actor was in the frozen foods aisle, and is suspected to have been trying to save money on a box of peas.

Item 3! Actor Joan Cusack was spotted installing an irrigation system on the farm she owns, in order to better water her crop of cotton plants. Next summer, she hopes to buy a gin.

Strawberry Jamiroquai

Less virtual insanity, and more virtual celebrities!

First Item! Actor Glenn Shadix appeared recently on the television screen of a person watching Beetlejuice on HBO.

Item B! Actor Will Smiths received a court order banning him from walking too close to a house belonging to Actor Sinead O'Connor. The two superstars have been feuding over the rights to the name of a charity that they both want to found.

Item #3! Actor Titus Welliver recently published a zine outlining his somewhat radical philosophies on food preparation. His friend, Actor Marc Pellegrino, contributed a guest editorial about salad dressings.

Item!

Actor Joe Hamm was spotted enjoying strippers at Gentleman's Club The Inverted Caterpillar.

Actor Lance Reddick Ordered A Hamburger

From a restaurant that only serves Holleeeeeeeeewooooooooooooooood stars. Fortunately, this gossip roundup only contains information about stars! Getting to it!

Item #A! Actor Casper Van Dien was recently seen arguing about a football team with a fellow patron at a bar in NoHo. Unfortunately, none of the tipsters could remember which football team he had alligned with in the discussion, which apparently became very heated.

Item 2! According to an identified source, Actor Blake Liley is rotten at making her boyfriend happy. She apparently nags him very regularly, and cuts him down in front of his friends.

Final Item! Actor Christopher Walkman announced his intention to turn in for the evening at the early hour of 9:30 pm. When pressed for a reason, the Actor admitted that he had plans to "run errands" early in the morning.

Every Celebrity Has a Candy Heart!

It is Valentimes here in Holleeeeeeeewoooooooooooooooood, and that means that is time for Valens! Enjoy these items about your favorite star couples!

Item A! Actor Brad Garrett and his wife, Actor Evangeline Lily, were spotted romantically tossing pennies into the fountain of a mall and making wishes. Since the actors, known in insider gossip circles as "Brangeline", were both on popular television shows, and a married celebrity couple, share their vast finances, the loss of a few dollars in pennies will not affect their extravagant lifestyle.

Item Middle! Actor Tony Hawk and his Wife, Actor Eva Longoria, were spotted donating money to cure the gout at a celebrity benefit held at the heart area of the Statue of Liberty. The area of the noted statue has been closed to the public for years, and contains a scale replica of a human heart, but covered in rubies shaped like American Flags!

Item #3! Actor Titus Welliver recently switched to using turkey bacon when preparing his favorite sandwich, the BLT. Sources close to the actor say that he had made the decision after taking a blood pressure test in a Vons super market.

Item!

Actor Billy Bob Thornson recently took out a bank loan.

A Clinton-Era Excess of Celebrity Tid-Bits

Let's not let Hilary stop our fun here in Holleeewwwoooooooooood, where a smiling star on the cover of a magazine is the only health care needed!

First Item! Actor Jeremy Piven recently set a personal high score on Video Game Super Mario 64. The Actor was so thrilled, that he rented out Nightclub Billtliers to celebrate with three hundred of his friends.

Item 2! Actor Tia Tequila was spotted arriving home to her apartment from work, where she was seen drinking red wine in her living room for several minutes before putting on a DVD movie.

Item C! Actor Matthew Fox brought a beer in his pocket to a Charity Event. Sources close to the actor say that he was unsure that the event would have an open bar, and that he has an easier time relating to people after "knocking back a few."

Garden Variety Celebrities Are Shining Sun(flower)s

The seeds of their talent sure taste fine, and that can't be denied!

Item 1! Actor Ryan Gosselin was spotted betting $500 on a pool game he was playing with a friend in the basement of a mansion on Mulholland Dr.

Middle Item! Actor Wade Boggs reportedly took his wife to a dinner party, but forgot to bring the mini-casserole appetizers that she had spent a portion of the afternoon preparing.

Item C! Sources close to Actor Titus Welliver say that he received a fan letter addressed to his good friend Actor Marc Pellegrino. Welliver walked the letter over to Pellegrino's house, and the two used the occurrence as an excuse to watch an episode of "Millionaire Matchmaker" together.

Item!

Actor Jennifer Tilly was seen in a restaurant in Beverly Hills while her Mercedes Benz car was being ticketed for parking at an expired meter.

Knee Deep in News About Beautiful People!

The cold feet of a celebrity experience is a very real feeling.

Item #1! Actor Sandro Bullock recently posted a classified advertisement on internet Website Craigslist. (She is looking for a new roommate.)

Item Middle! Actor Tony Shalhoub was recently spotted enjoying an iced tea at a restaurant on Sepulveda Blvd. According to an identified source, the Actor takes his iced tea with a wedge of lemon and two "smidgens" of sugar.

Item C! While visiting a model home in Del Mar, Actor Cynthia Nixon's rowdy behavior led to her removal at the hands of Real Estate Agent Tawny Billerton, of Exponential Realty, Corp.

Item!

Actor David Duchovny was recently diagnosed with Cellulite.

Congrats to our Celebrity Grads!

You made it through several years of Hollywood education, you are now super famous, and we appreciate that!

#1 Item! Actor William Hertz was spotted picking cilantro out of his burrito at a mexico restaurant in La Jolla California.

Item B! Sources close to Actor Terry Hatcher say that she has developed the bad habit of knitting while watching reruns of Threes Company on the E! Network.

Last Item! Actor Titus Welliver sliced his finger while opening a can of peas.

Special Report: Nic Cage's Recent Nuptials!

For those not in the know (though know you're in now!) Actor Nic Cage, star of "Face/Off" and other legitimate films, recently got married. The Actor was kind enough to provide Holleeeeeewwoooooood Newzzz with the exclusive details of the ceremony. Following below are those details, presented in a convenient "back of the baseball card" list format.

Actor: Nic Cage

Married Since: Today!

To Whom: A Lovely Woman!

Why: The Actor, according to sources, is "in love."

Where: The Basement of a Plantation House once owned by Actor Don Knotts.

Who Was There: President Bill Clinton, Singer Tiffany, and Actor Katie Couric.

Who Catered: Cage's favorite chain restaurant, Chick-Fil-A, serving their new spicy chicken sandwiches.

What Happened: The Actor and his Blushing Bride, recreating an ancient Mesopotamian tradition, stood in separate, inch-high pools of water. The drenching of their socks and expensive shoes with cold water symbolizes the drenching of their hearts with respect and admiration for one another. The slow drying of the wet shoes throughout the course of the reception represents the fade of unmaintained love, which must be constantly renewed with dips in the emotional "pool" for the rest of the couples lives.

What Else: During a speech, the Actor sarcastically thanked his cousin for making a crude comment in the dressing room before the wedding ceremony.