Bright Lights, Tight Sights and White Flights (In Hollleeewooood)

We can't vouch for the quality of the neighborhoods here in Celebrityville (though the word is that they are pretty good), but either way, you'll want to stick around Holleeeewoood Newz for the latest in celebrated stories!

Item A! Actor Owen "Luke" Wilson was reprimanded by mall security for stealing a pair of Pants from J. Crew. The actor was wearing the Pants at the time of his confrontation with mall security, having left his ratty cargo shorts in the store's dressing room, and was escorted off of the premises wearing his plaid boxer shorts, a blue t-shirt, and brown loafers.

Item Middle! Actor Justin Beiber released a video Christmas list for his fans, urging them to send items from the list to a P.O. Box in Rhode Island. Topping the list? You guessed it, a DVD box set of television's Rubicon, starring Actor James Badge Dale!

Item #3! Sources in the organization supporting Actor Julia Styles say that she has taken up a new Hobby! As of three months ago, she had never put needle to yarn, but she is reportedly a stitching queen, sending yellow and green striped afghans to many of her family members and close friends. Professional Knitting Expert Julio Goldstein has told Holleeeeewoooood Newzz that knitting can be a "relaxing" experience, done "in the home and also while travelling." Keep it up Julia!

The Clock Says it is Gossip O'Clock

Holleeewooood Newzz readers have no doubt been counting the seconds since the last hot burst of projectile gossip. Thankfully, the trains will be on schedule, and so will news about the exciting lives of the sensational stars and starettes!

Item A! Preacher Harold Parsons gave a sermon at his church, the 2nd Methodist Church of San Pedro, criticizing the off-camera behavior of Actor Matt Damon, who reportedly did not tip a pizza delivery boy from Pizza Chain Papa Johns. Parsons said that it was positively unChristian of the actor to ask additional services of the worker without adequate compensation, referring to the fact that the delivery boy was carrying a pizza "heavy on the meats".

Item 2! Actor Edward James Olmos was spotted lying on his back in a grassy meadow, identifying shapes in the clouds above him with his friend, Actor Tom Sizemore.

Item Finale! Sources say that Actor Robert Dennys, Jr. will reprise his "Iron Man" role in an upcoming documentary about the creation of the National Parks Service. More on this story as it develops....

Item!

Actor Jeff Bridges was spotted at a pizza restaurant attempting to put chicken bones back into boneless buffalo wings.

Big Changes For Tom's Cruise Line!

There is a wave of celebrity gossip crashing into the hull of the S.S. Talented and Handsome, also known as Actor Tom Cruise. He was spotted digging a large and deep hole in an isolated section of the Angeles National Forest at approximately four in the morning. Studying for a role? Hopefully so, because Cruise is reliably excellent in his films! On to today's items!

Item 1! While speaking at a conference for underutilized house wives, Actor Wesly Snipes discussed his recent difficulties with riding roller coasters at amusement parks. He described himself as "too quick to become nauseas," and criticized the "tricky" design of many of the more modern coasters.

Item B! Actor Anna Torv was seen returning a gift to the customer service department at Nordstrom's Department Store. Sources close to the Actor say that she was returning a pan she had received as a gift that was not as good as the pan that she already owned.

Last Item! Actor Bruce Willis considered investing in Professional Hockey Team the Kings, before realizing that hockey is not very popular.

Have You Had Dinner Today!

Don't be a person about being skinny! The following is a list of foods that your favorite people eat. It is in fact a list of some of their favorite foods. Believe it!

Actor Angelinie Joliee- Pistachios without the shells

Actor Moira Tierny-Macoroni with cheese and also hot peppers

Actor Ryan Reynold- Beef jerky sticks

Director Steven Soderberg-Salad with pears

Actor Charles Sheene- Pork chops and applesauce

Actor David Boreanaz- Perfect baby cucumbers

Actor Titus Welliver- Pickles with yellow mustard and salami

Blake Lively Can Eat a Gossip Boy!

Chuck Base and his scarves are great, Taylor Momsin is superfine for a date, but only Holleewood Newz can lay claim to the title of reigning gossiper. Here are some stories that are fresher than the storylines in their show's most recent season.

Item Numero Uno! Actor Beyonce Child inherited a ceramic pigeon from her beloved auntie. The trinket, which is valued upwards of seventy dollars, was accidentally left at the bottom of a cluttered cabinet by the pop songstress, and after a a brief and unsuccessful search for the inherited heirloom, she assumed that she had accidentally thrown it away and gave up the search.

Item in the middle! Actor Billy Bob Thornton recommended a hairstyling salon to fellow Bald Actor Damon Wayans. According to sources, the two discussed the issue over several venti cappucinos at an identified Starbucks.

Item C! Actor Titus Welliver successfully got the phone number of the floor manager of a Sears Department store, after asking her to help him pick out a new wool sweater. Though she initially failed to recognize him from his countless celebrity roles, she was eventually won over by the actor's natural charm and good looks. The two have reportedly agreed to get alcoholic drinks sometime in the coming week. More on this story as it develops...

Gobble Gobble Gobble Your Gossip Gossip Gossip!

A lot of people likely ate turkeys today, but let's hope that there is still room for stuffing, because this is some celebrity stuffing freshly removed from the cooked turkey that is Hollywood. Let's get to it!

First Item! Actor Ian Holm spent forty dollars at a Del Taco restaurant in Torrance, after seeing a homeless man that looked like he could use thirty-eight Breakfast Burritos.

Item B! Actor Sean "Daddio" Combs released a new solo record on his label, B.I.G. Boi records. The album contains a song about Combs's golf course related injury and his subsequent visits to a chiropractor named Dr. Harold Price.

Item 3! Actor Titus Welliver took an incorrect step while walking down an outdoor staircase during a recent photoshoot at the Museum of Modern Times for GQ magazine. Though cameras caught his fall, the actor arranged to purchase all the photos of the incident in order to spare his fans the unpleasantness of seeing him crack a rib on a metal railing. Shortly after completing the shoot, Welliver was spotted sharing hilarious anecdotes about growing up wealthy with members of the production crew.

Item!

Actor Channing Tatum was spotted having sexual intercourse in the bedroom of his large house in Malibu!

Your Famous Friends Are Here Once Again

Can you guess which of the following gossip stories are completely fantastic? (If you guessed all three of them, you'd be absolutely correct! Read on!)

Item A! Actor Rupert Grint was spotted in a local Ralph's Grocery Store trying to decide which of two honeydew melons was the ripest. After realizing that he did not possess enough knowledge about produce to decide for himself, he used his smartphone to look up techniques for spotting good fruit on the internet.

Middle Item! Actor Boy George visited his nephew in prison, after receiving a letter from him. George brought his nephew several magazines in order to the pass the time while he serves a sentence for doing what Actor Mickey Rourke did in a movie that was released in 1987.

Item C! Actor Michael Douglass, Actor Leighton Meester, and Actor Mark Pellegrino attended a charity benefit for grape farmers who were affected by a recent flood in Portugal. According to attendees, Meester drank enough wine at the event to effectively negate the benefits brought on by her appearance as a Celebrity.

Big Timers from the Walk of Fame

Can you believe all these celebrities in this town? It's hard to walk into a public library without seeing somebody famous doing something embarrassing in one of those desolate aisles of books! At least they're reading!

Item 1! At the recent American Popular Arts and Entertainment Award Show (aka the Natashas), an award for Best Onscreen Wink was given to category winner Actor Seth Rogan. Unfortunately, he was unable to accept the trophy because he was visiting his girlfriend in Canada. In his place, Actor Seth Green accepted the award, and while standing at the podium, Green imitated Rogan's trademark "How you doin'?" catch phrase to the delight of the audience. The moment was captured by the many studio cameras focused on the stage, and broadcast to hundreds of American viewers.

Item B! According to close friends, Actor Reeses Witherspoon gave birth to a healthy baby boy, her second this year. While in the hospital, she decided with Hubby Ryan Phillips that the boy's name would be Austin, after the city she had planned to spend her summer vacation in before realizing that she was pregnant.

Item 3! Actor Titus Welliver offered to prepare Actor Mark Pellegrino a breakfast of waffles with butter and syrup. Upon realizing that his wife had taken the waffle iron with her in the divorce, Welliver quickly decided to make pancakes so that the batter he had already prepared did not go to waste. Inside sources say that Pellegrino was not upset at the unannounced switch, and was simply happy that his friend made the effort to cook.

God Coming Correct with the Fiery Gossip

Today's celebrity news items are holier than thou, holier than thine, and holier than thad. Say your prayers before reading it, because the excitement just might kill you!

Item A! Actor Jared Padelecki reconnected with Gilmore Girls Starlet Alexis Bliedel, after realizing that his attempt to follow a stranger home from a bar was foiled by the fact that he had known his intended target for several years. (Bleidel reportedly wore a hat that night, and Padelecki has admitted in previous interviews that he is confused by hats.) Padelecki and Bliedel spoke for several minutes, before Bliedel pretended to answer a phone call and excused herself from the dark alley in which she had been approached by Padelecki.

Middle Item! Actor Denzel Washington was recently spotted in New York City, and sources say that it was his first time visiting the Great Apple. While in town, the actor posed for a photograph in which he appears to be pointing at the Statue of Liberty's breasts. The photograph was apparently taken by Washington's friend.

Item #3! Actor Mariah Carey is currently lost in the Del Amo mall, searching for the Dairy Queen. More on this story as it develops...

Item!

Actor John Goodmen ate a large bowl of Honey Bunches of Almonds Cereal before attending the premiere of his new movie "Bobby Bigfoot Goes Beverly Hills". After drinking at the open bar, Goodmen was spotted in the alley taking turns at puking with Actor Bobby Knight.

The Unfrosted Poptart of Celebrity Monkey Business

Gossip alert! This new news is newer than the new world on Thanksgiving Day. Incredible stories up ahead, with an emphasis on edible!

First Item- Actor Renee Zelwigger spent forty five minutes last Thursday attempting to recover a drivers license that slipped out of her purse and fell into a sewer grate. She waved a long twig with chewed gum on the end through the metal bars in order to snag the dropped card, but only picked up bottle caps and a the bottom half of a discarded love note. Inside sources say that she used cotton candy flavored Bubblelicious.

Item B- Actor Bobby Flay prepared a celebrity dinner out of the back room of barbecue restaurant "Geordie LaForge", the restaurant opened by and named after the actor that portrayed Geordi LaForge on televisions Star Quest.

Item 3- At a recent, impromptu Q+A session held in the waiting room of a Jiffy Lube, Actor Mark Pellegrino admitted that, as a third grader, he did not receive a valentine card from the girl on whom he had a big crush. Did this emotional rejection drive the Actor into the Acting business? We'll bring you the answer as this story develops....

Proud Pies Cannot Cry for Argentina!

Fresh baked gossip sitting on the windowsill to cool down. Don't let your thieving neighbors and wandering hobos eat them before you get a chance to stick your thumb right into the piping hot hearts!

Item #A- Actor Michael Keaton was seen scolding Actor Lindsay Loham, after Loham was caught stealing a 5th Ave bar from a corner store in Ontario, California. Keaton, who apparently learned a thing or two about law enforcement while portraying superhero "Val Kilmer" in "Batman Forever", told Loham that rather than robbing a struggling conner store proprietor, she should dedicate her time to something more positive, like knitting sweaters for babies born with no arms.

Item 2- Local Hamburger stand Papito's Burgers and Tacos reported that Actor Dale Earnhardt, Jr, ate three hamburgers with cheese in order to impress a group of tourists waiting in line to eat at Gigi's Burgers and Things, a more popular hamburger stand down the block.

Final Item- Actor Titus Welliver was spotted breaking into the Smithsonian Museum in order to catch a glimpse of the Famed Hope Jewel. He had apparently attempted to see it during regular visiting hours, but had arrived at the museum entrance five minutes before closing time and was not allowed in. According to police, nothing was stolen.

Mr. Simpson

Today's stories contain so much juice, you'd think that a group of high school students were throwing oranges at your computer screen!

Item #1 Actor Billy Crudup paid a caricature artist working on the Universal Citywalk to draw a picture of his shirtless abdomen. The actor spent several hours in advance of the artistic session grooming his chest hairs into the logo of a Metallica tribute band that plays regularly in his hometown of Bishop, Ohio. The logo depicts a skull eating breakfast (in hell).

Item B! Actor Robert Deniro threw out a carton of milk that had expired the previous day. Not wanting his kitchen to smell like old milk, he then emptied the trash into the dumpster on the side of his apartment complex.

Last Item! Actor Titus Welliver is expected to appear in an upcoming Broadway performance of wicked as a Member of the Audience.

Item!

Actor Tom "Turner" Hanks paid Actor Ron Howard seventy five dollars to spray poison in Hanks' vegetable garden. Afterwards, the two Best Friends baked a peach pie while waiting for the gopher to die.