God Coming Correct with the Fiery Gossip

Today's celebrity news items are holier than thou, holier than thine, and holier than thad. Say your prayers before reading it, because the excitement just might kill you!

Item A! Actor Jared Padelecki reconnected with Gilmore Girls Starlet Alexis Bliedel, after realizing that his attempt to follow a stranger home from a bar was foiled by the fact that he had known his intended target for several years. (Bleidel reportedly wore a hat that night, and Padelecki has admitted in previous interviews that he is confused by hats.) Padelecki and Bliedel spoke for several minutes, before Bliedel pretended to answer a phone call and excused herself from the dark alley in which she had been approached by Padelecki.

Middle Item! Actor Denzel Washington was recently spotted in New York City, and sources say that it was his first time visiting the Great Apple. While in town, the actor posed for a photograph in which he appears to be pointing at the Statue of Liberty's breasts. The photograph was apparently taken by Washington's friend.

Item #3! Actor Mariah Carey is currently lost in the Del Amo mall, searching for the Dairy Queen. More on this story as it develops...

Item!

Actor John Goodmen ate a large bowl of Honey Bunches of Almonds Cereal before attending the premiere of his new movie "Bobby Bigfoot Goes Beverly Hills". After drinking at the open bar, Goodmen was spotted in the alley taking turns at puking with Actor Bobby Knight.

The Unfrosted Poptart of Celebrity Monkey Business

Gossip alert! This new news is newer than the new world on Thanksgiving Day. Incredible stories up ahead, with an emphasis on edible!

First Item- Actor Renee Zelwigger spent forty five minutes last Thursday attempting to recover a drivers license that slipped out of her purse and fell into a sewer grate. She waved a long twig with chewed gum on the end through the metal bars in order to snag the dropped card, but only picked up bottle caps and a the bottom half of a discarded love note. Inside sources say that she used cotton candy flavored Bubblelicious.

Item B- Actor Bobby Flay prepared a celebrity dinner out of the back room of barbecue restaurant "Geordie LaForge", the restaurant opened by and named after the actor that portrayed Geordi LaForge on televisions Star Quest.

Item 3- At a recent, impromptu Q+A session held in the waiting room of a Jiffy Lube, Actor Mark Pellegrino admitted that, as a third grader, he did not receive a valentine card from the girl on whom he had a big crush. Did this emotional rejection drive the Actor into the Acting business? We'll bring you the answer as this story develops....

Proud Pies Cannot Cry for Argentina!

Fresh baked gossip sitting on the windowsill to cool down. Don't let your thieving neighbors and wandering hobos eat them before you get a chance to stick your thumb right into the piping hot hearts!

Item #A- Actor Michael Keaton was seen scolding Actor Lindsay Loham, after Loham was caught stealing a 5th Ave bar from a corner store in Ontario, California. Keaton, who apparently learned a thing or two about law enforcement while portraying superhero "Val Kilmer" in "Batman Forever", told Loham that rather than robbing a struggling conner store proprietor, she should dedicate her time to something more positive, like knitting sweaters for babies born with no arms.

Item 2- Local Hamburger stand Papito's Burgers and Tacos reported that Actor Dale Earnhardt, Jr, ate three hamburgers with cheese in order to impress a group of tourists waiting in line to eat at Gigi's Burgers and Things, a more popular hamburger stand down the block.

Final Item- Actor Titus Welliver was spotted breaking into the Smithsonian Museum in order to catch a glimpse of the Famed Hope Jewel. He had apparently attempted to see it during regular visiting hours, but had arrived at the museum entrance five minutes before closing time and was not allowed in. According to police, nothing was stolen.

Mr. Simpson

Today's stories contain so much juice, you'd think that a group of high school students were throwing oranges at your computer screen!

Item #1 Actor Billy Crudup paid a caricature artist working on the Universal Citywalk to draw a picture of his shirtless abdomen. The actor spent several hours in advance of the artistic session grooming his chest hairs into the logo of a Metallica tribute band that plays regularly in his hometown of Bishop, Ohio. The logo depicts a skull eating breakfast (in hell).

Item B! Actor Robert Deniro threw out a carton of milk that had expired the previous day. Not wanting his kitchen to smell like old milk, he then emptied the trash into the dumpster on the side of his apartment complex.

Last Item! Actor Titus Welliver is expected to appear in an upcoming Broadway performance of wicked as a Member of the Audience.

Item!

Actor Tom "Turner" Hanks paid Actor Ron Howard seventy five dollars to spray poison in Hanks' vegetable garden. Afterwards, the two Best Friends baked a peach pie while waiting for the gopher to die.

Item!

A rare concert played by the children of members of the Grateful Dead was attended by no fewer than 2/3s of the original Brat Pack. Actor Anthony Michael Hall was seen eating a french fry that he had picked up off the floor of the Jane Fonda Memorial Theater.